Monday, August 3, 2009

coldness

Camaraderie is a joy to watch,
Interfering with vigilance it makes clowns of us.
It was impossible to finish, at least we had fun.
Nothing fun about mediocrity.
Tap the animal.
Let go of sentiment.
Let go of praise seeking endeavor.
Cool off.
Dance in the middle,
No joy. No sadness. Just
a cold, emotionless, razor sharp focus
toward the goal.

3 comments:

justin said...

edgar and sanjay,

you guys had me tearing up there at the end. this was a very special evolution. hell of a job.

see you thursday.

jus

Tom said...

I know that brevity is the soul of wit, but bare with me…

This morning I ran just shy of two miles with out any incident with my knee. That is after working out yesterday morning and then working a double shift at the restaurant. I have jinxed it twice before by announcing my return to class. I am hesitant to say anything.

Many months ago I heard a voice in my head. It was angry. Angry at how out shape I had gotten and how unhealthy I was. When I saw the sign for the first Midnight Madness, I said to myself, “This is exactly what you need. You know you have no business being there with the shape you are in, but fuck it, how bad could it be?” It was bad. Really bad. After the first Madness I walked around for four days like I had just spent the night in prison wearing a dress. But I showed back up. I felt something pop in my groin at the second Madness and had to sit out the second half of the work out. But the next week I showed back up. I wasn’t committed though. I would work out once or twice during the week to flush out the lactic acid from the last Madness so I could do the next. But kept showing up. After the new year, that angry voice in my head got really loud. REALLY LOUD. It screamed, “What are you doing. You spent the last few months half assing it, but you learned how to do this. You know how to get in shape, so commit." And I did. Body and soul. I ate clean. I drank oceans of water. I dragged my ass to that gym five days a week and left a little more of myself there everyday.

Then I blew out my knee…

It allowed all sorts of excuses. Reasons not to work out. Excuses to eat horrible foods all the time. The brain is amazing the way it will allow you to rationalize anything.

Cut to four months later…

I am close to the same doughy mess I was when I walked to my first Madness. The guy who would go to the gym and make himself do a 10-1-10 man-maker workout just to see if he could do it with out someone yelling at him to “ WORK” seems very far away.

This morning though, I heard that voice again. The angry voice. Sleeping in bed, endless hitting snooze before I had to go work a 12hour double shift, it screamed at me. I literally awoke to a voice in my head screaming at me. Trust me, that is some scary stuff. “Get up and go work!!!” So I rolled out of bed and into the gym. And I ran. It felt great. It reminded me how good pain can feel. It made me miss Madness more then ever. It made me want to work again.

Eh, fuck it. Who cares about jinxes. I’ll see you on Thursday.

Steve said...

That voice is your inner animal Tom. He wants out of his cage....

See you thursday